rushh_aa

Okay, in tradition of drunk party posts... here's "THE one after a long long time when everyone got drunk and danced and sang"

that's it I think. It was Priya's birthday and it got together a huge and diverse group of people who got along quite well. What can be better that than.


there are tell all videos but.

 After years, it seems a decade, but I counted, its less; 

We don't stand a chance in this wild romance, my tender heart... 5, 6, 7, Go... One Two Three and Four...
I danced today... at home... with an old girl pal of mine. So what.

And yesterday at Loadshedding time... I in utter vulnerability, opened up my entire box of nostalgia and realized that I was quite innocent when It all started out. Isn't everyone ?

And I realized that I was a major outcast at 14, because I smoked and drank a lot of alcohol and swear'd at lot. I am still an Outcast, at 23, here in this city and times... because I don't smoke and don't drink and hardly ever swear. Hmmph.

And I saw that he forgot to shave today, when we met at lunch. And he arched his beautiful eyebrows.. when I told him he still looks like a boy...

ahh old songs. Stupid old songs. and Loadsheddings.

I have seen that I bond well with people in bookstores.. esply landmark.. whenever Ande and I went to landmark we rarely fought.. ( we fought bitterly otherwise... so.. ) ... Today... I took my 19 year old cousin brother, lets call his by his long lost nickname that he is embarrassed to use anymore - Gogol.. ( no I'm not copying Namesake. this is truly a common Bengali phenomenon ... lots of children get their nicknames from Russians.. see mine for instance.. ) Now Gogol and I had a fight over rock music vs Sufi... Poor kid only tolerates like post 90's Rock.. and We are a family of Kawaali playing, Rabindrasangeet on Piano and Kishore Kumar on Radio people... So of course he was irritating me (all kid brothers do) and So I yelled at him and So the next day I took him to a bookstore...

and what does the brother pick up ? An express book of C++... uff... then we figured that we cannot like anything similar at all... I showed him very cool (according to me) Graphic Novels... and he was inching towards Aragon Fantasy Series.. then I showed him Terry Pratchett's "The Light Fantastic" .. he looked rather skeptical.. okay.. lets move to non- fiction then...

No luck there as well... I went to look for Baking books while the guy was looking at Animal Encyclopedias..

So we went through the humor section... told him to read Gelard Durrel.. Though I think it might be a bit too childish for a 19 year old. Its not, for me. But then maybe he's at an age where he wants to aspire to read more serious stuff... No wonder he looks to Ram and not me for a booklist. And that Man (rather ambitiously) has given him Maugham's "The Razors Edge"... Now don't get me wrong, I love that book. But I this it scared Brother a bit... he's reading it.. I think... looks like... but...

Then we moved to the poetry section.. I was almost certain he's going to kick me now and move to the CD side of the Store... But I asked him, Do you like crazy poets ? He asked me what kid of crazy ? I said - smoked up kind.. and he was instantly interested.. Gave him a Poem to read from "The Collected poems of Allen Ginsberg" and the bugger actually liked it...

While he was reading... I eyestrolled across the shelves... and .. suddenly .. I saw something like a Leon.... ... hen.. obscured by a huge fat "100 love Sonnets of Pablo Neruda"... and there it was.. one single copy..



Its was freaking a 1000 something Rs and of course I didn't have the money.. Books are so fucking costly here... and I guess they only imported a few copies.. :(

So what I did was.. I read the whole thing. Then decided that I like his later poems more.

Now Gogol... had moved to the Animals section and picked up this book on Dogs... and near that I found another book of poems .. some one had probably misplaced it... It was called - "My Therapist Said... " by Hal Sirowitz ... and he made me pick it up for him... Funny one.

and then what... we patched up. I mean c'mon... the boy bought his first book of poems... aww...

Dives into darkness yet again. it's cocoon time. and she thought she could avoid this by being quiet and friendly. yah. its true. she can drive even the rain away. we think its easy. to not love. its easy to just walk around as well. no. its not. She says -

"I'm not able to romanticize you. Yet you are probably the slowest man I met. Seemingly incapable of hurt. With unusually warm cupping hands. But I'm not able to paint your picture as I saw it. You said all the right things, and Spoke about passions I didn't know I shared with another being. You were gentle and wouldn't let me cry. And all that are good things, like Kindness, goes a long way. But I am just not able to write a poem about you. Even when, unexpectedly, out of nowhere, It starts to hurt. "

It starts to hurt.

We slowly avoid talking about love,
then we slow start to avoid topics like -
                          sorrow, music, how was your day, life...
We never talked about poetry anyways and now we don't talk about Books either.
Then one day, we do spend time together,
and we talk about the weather.
                         Back to square one.
After years of trying to bring nuances of ourselves to life in our day to day words.
We are talking about the weather again.
                        Anything else is too scary.
Its like a first date again.
Or like a decade old marriage. It's neither though,
Its more like we are smiling endlessly till the sides of our lips pain.
We don't kiss so, I guess; at least somethings gotta hurt.

12.50 am 3rd July 2009

I know no one reads the BLOG anymore... since I synced it with Facebook.. saala no one actually comes to this URL... baah ... and I had labored over its look so much... so I am just bored and I wiped the slate clean.... designwise... have put up a kind of web 2.0'ish blue blue theme and Im done...

whats the point... you will read this as a facebook note I didnt tag you on anyways.. :(

ohh and since I an whining... and not really writing much sadness anymore.. whats the point of my depressing dark userpics ?? so here a nice eeshmhile.. :D ... teeth and all... Poetry is up at the website... Here I just Blog...

It rains,
Sometimes.. more often now..
Musky earthsmells linger
and,
Birds are happier !
That I can see..
Only,
I don't seem to catch it happen..

I'm obsessed with the color blue in flowers and scarves,
and with a wedding coming up in the family,
I am bound to look like an idiot and entertain,
He is long gone but, and I should not really complain.
with my capacity of the awkward and misguided poetry,
I can drive away even the rain sometimes,
and I have in the past, known to write disaster all over a letter,
okay several letters and not send them at all.
And after days back in the city, I am still too scared to look at the sea,
It will definitely be too much of a truth.
and anyways, the sea is never blue here.

every time I leave Hampi, its in a hurry and I always have unfinished business .. maybe because the place wants me back.. but I cannot write about it yet... its still mulling inside... but they way it ended, the similarity was striking!! snatched away, before a festival, left without saying much when I had so much, so much to say...

it is said that when its time for a new tarot deck.. it will come to you... ahh what about me yearning for a particular one I have loved for years now... hmm also tattoos... happens when they need to... But I feel like getting marked... Im sure the idea will surface soon... I have designed one before... but not for myself...

maybe it is intended.
this slowness and finality of the end.
maybe my neglect and indifference to expression
especially poetry, and more so confession
of this springtime.
like every other springtime since.

I did not have to struggle at all
this year, to find the tree leafless, red, in bloom.
One sprang up right outside the window I sit next to in class.
Maybe it is intended.
my neglect and utter indifference to the need to look for it.

Since the last time next to a Calcutta ghat.
Where it accidentally became a newsbearer of seasonal devastation.
Familiar devastation. I had even begun to look for it
every year during this time. Point it out to people next to me,
try to get them to feel the sadness in March.

this it how it bitters up.
right next to the pink brick walls, bouncing the red sunlight off young faces.
and I sometimes point it out that the tree is leafless
and in bloom and it is something sort of symbolic in classical poetry.
Most probably something bitter and deep..

I need to be single inside my head.
Not just as a relationship status.

will I download Safari 4 Beta with over 15o new features... umm no.. nt yet... But I hate being addicted to one thing at a time.. i hate the dependency.. Me and my Firefox... so maybe I will when I have more time to waste.. I am redesigning my website as of now... also studying as exams are day after tomorrow... and have just begun to think seriously about a summer internship... hopefully in a good agency or an ad production house... lemme see.. I am dam lazy about all this applying business.. most of my work has fallen on my lap... :P yah yah...  times are a changing and I will buck up.. or so I have promised my other dad :P.. Ram..

one day i will travel fast enough to lose lovers..
lose sight of older beaches and
solo tango promenades will lead away.
The cat will will stop banging into the glass
focused on the songbird on the other side..
and when the rainclouds come to this city..
I will only read of them in some distant poetry.
and newsreports of floodbathed rail tracks.

I would believe conspiracy theorists a lot more if they had better websites, cleaner, more readable fonts on it, and soberer colors.
I would believe New age a Lot more than i do now If they stopped being all Rainbow.
I wish someone would tell artists and poets (well some) that even if Purple symbolizes creativity, It makes a horrible background color and even worse font, esp combined with Black.

Someone open an NGO to help them please. Content in a lot is alright and in some, amazing. But we all have moved on from geocites and anglefire days...

This is coming out of a frustration that has long built up. I lived on all this as a kid who got the net way too early in life. And I have a very sound knowledge of most conspiracy theories, Occult practices, strange faiths and unsolved Mysteries and not just from the web. Enough experience to see through bluff and exaggerated writing. But I never understood the idea of putting a huge shiny glitter animated gif of an UFO in the middle of a good (enough) research. Kills my patience that i have a plugin just to read these unformatted.

ohh well.. I will go read up on why everyone is rushing to the moon again..

apart from the gentleman who mailed in... how many of you actually noticed the typos in the Title picture and title of the blog !???!! I guess it's read more as a facebook feed now... ohh well..

I have been on a chill mode since a month now... beech beech mein I have been a bit broody.. almost fell into a senti thing again.. ahh not to sound jaded, but I don't think I can blindly play the game anymore... i mean c'mon, we all grow up and out of missed calls and double entendre sms's... I refuse to play into the chase... not worth it right now...

ohh and coming back to by title... and cities.. I'm a bit in the need to run from Bombay... Find another city or some work that will atleast make me travel.. there's such a uttter surge in movies in and about Delhi and so many people from there around me.. makes me wonder... Or im just falling into a media trap... to think of it.. why is bollywood so Delhi + Punjabi right now ?? Its always been North.. its primary catering is to the hindi belt.. that i get... but why so much...

but yah.. I dont want to move back to Calcutta... That I'm sure...

December, ever since four years ago it seems, brings up much disaster...
I would like to believe I'm less stupid now...
I would like to believe a lot of things.
maybe its the cold depressing mornings..
some people like it fresh and cold, energizing...
I just get low.

I have never seen snow.
Someone once told me its nice for exactly 50 minutes.
I dread the heavy smog covered sun at six'o'clock...
I dread the dusty evenings...
and I get very lonely at about 3 in the morning and try to write all this down..

I will move away eventually,
But I didn't anticipate the depth emptiness can reach.
My one cat bites my toes each morning..
the other, daily lovemaking with my bags..